


You're the Inspiration

by magicianparrish



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe- 1980s, Coming Out, F/M, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, it's just marijuana
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 14:50:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13250508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicianparrish/pseuds/magicianparrish
Summary: Ronan watched his crush walk through the doors of the café. Just like he did every Tuesday and Thursday at noon. Today he was wearing a Coca-Cola t-shirt with a jean jacket over it, and acid washed jeans cuffed around his ankles with his off-white Reeboks. His dusty blonde hair was shaggy and on the longer side, which Ronan fantasized about running his fingers through.Noah shrugged his shoulders. “You stare at that dude, literally every time we see him like some lovestruck idiot. Why don’t you get some balls and talk to him for once?”Ronan rolled his eyes and took a sip of his chai tea, that was probably more aggressive than necessary. But he didn’t care that it burned his tongue, he wasn’t going up to the guy who he doesn’t even know his name. That wasn’t how Ronan worked.“Not happening, Czerny.”__________________________________________________or an alterante universe that takes place in the 1980s.





	You're the Inspiration

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've been marathoning the show The Goldbergs for the past week, and combined with my love for 80s music and that decade I have come up with this au! 
> 
> It has its fluff, but it also has a lot of angst. 
> 
> There are a lot of dark themes, such as the AIDS crisis of the 1980s and the stigma that came with that for the LGBTQ community. It can be hard to swallow, but unfortunately, it is a part of history, and I feel like it would be worse to pretend that it never happened at all. I don't mention ACT UP, because there really is no set date in this au, just that it takes place in the 1980s, so everything that is mentioned in this fic kinda blends together into one "imaginary" year in the 1980s, especially the music. But do know that ACT UP was/is very pivotal in the late 1980s in the history of gay rights in the United States. 
> 
> Gansey is a major plot point for this particular issue. Not because I hate Gansey, because I don't, and he is not the villain at all. There really is no villain in this. But he just seemed the like the character most likely to say something like this. 
> 
> There is also the struggle of coming to terms with your sexuality, and coming out, and especially in the 1980s where there was the Gay Liberation Movement in full swing, but also a stigma against the LGBTQ community. I really tried to write these issues as best I could. And I'm kind of scared to share it. But I'm doing it anyway. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it. It was not beta'd or edited so all mistakes are mine.

_ Cambridge, Massachusetts 1980 something _

Ronan watched his crush walk through the doors of the café. Just like he did every Tuesday and Thursday at noon. Today he was wearing a Coca-Cola t-shirt with a jean jacket over it, and acid washed jeans cuffed around his ankles with his off-white Reeboks. His dusty blonde hair was shaggy and on the longer side, which Ronan fantasized about running his fingers through.

He watched him shoulder his messenger bag that was practically falling apart; held together by buttons declaring:  _ Vote For Kennedy!  _ And  _ Impeach Reagan!  _ He continued to look at him as he handed money over to the cashier and in return received a large cup of coffee or tea or whatever he always got. 

Ronan felt someone nudge his shoulder, breaking him out of his trance. He turned towards Noah, who had his eyebrows raised high and a smirk covering his face. Ronan bristled and glared. 

“What?” he demanded. 

Noah shrugged his shoulders. “You stare at that dude, literally every time we see him like some lovestruck idiot. Why don’t you get some balls and talk to him for once?” 

Ronan rolled his eyes and took a sip of his chai tea, that was probably more aggressive than necessary. But he didn’t care that it burned his tongue, he wasn’t going up to the guy who he doesn’t even know his name. That wasn’t how Ronan worked. 

“Not happening, Czerny.” 

Noah sighed and took a sip of his very sugary drink that cost six bucks to buy. Noah didn’t need any more sugar in Ronan’s opinion, and he could feel his teeth rotting out of his head just looking at it. 

“Whatever man. Your loss.” 

 

* * *

 

Ronan was surprised he could hear anything over the electric guitar riffs of Angus Young blasting out of the boombox placed on the kitchen island of his apartment. Gansey had run out for some errand, and he and Noah took advantage of being alone by rolling a few joints and smoking in the living room.

Noah was zoned out on the couch, his long body spread across the entirety of it. Ronan had gotten hungry and started to make some food on the stove for him and Noah. A giant layer of smoke filled the apartment. 

“Ronan!” Noah groaned, “Someone’s knocking on the door. Answer it.” 

“Noah, I’m making food on the stove. You answer the door you lazy fuck,” Ronan replied. 

Noah let out a loud groan, and Ronan turned around to see him roll off the couch. His teased bleach blonde hair was messier than usual, with his purple bandana wrapped around his forehead. He trotted over to the front door and swung it open. Ronan went back to making the macaroni and cheese but turned down the music to hear who was at the door. 

“Uh, sorry I must have the wrong apartment. Do you know where Richard Gansey lives?” a deep voice came from the outside. 

“Nope! You have the right place. Gansey lives here. Who are you?” Noah asked, in a mellow tone. 

“Oh. Um, I’m Adam. Gansey invited me over to work on a project for our poli sci class.” 

“Ah, gotcha. Gansey actually ran out for an errand, but he should be back soon. Please, come in,” Noah invited, “Ronan, our other roommate is making food for us.” 

Ronan continued making the macaroni and cheese and turned the music up again to drown out the conversation between Noah and the stranger named Adam. When he was finished, he portioned it all into three bowls and walked back into the living room. When he saw who was sitting on the worn couch next to Noah, Ronan almost dropped the bowls in shock. 

It was the hot guy from the café. Now Ronan had a name to the face: Adam. Noah’s eyes were heavy-lidded but he still managed to give a shit eating grin to Ronan over Adam’s head. Ronan couldn’t believe his luck. He shook his head and continued to walk over, practically throwing a bowl at Noah’s face. Noah laughed and turned his head towards Adam. 

“That skinhead is Ronan,” Noah introduced. 

Adam gave a close-lipped smile in acknowledgment. Ronan held out a bowl of macaroni to him. “Want some?” 

Adam shook his head, his shaggy hair shaking and going over his eyes, making his tan hands brush it out of the way. “No thank you.” 

“Whatever, Gansey’ll eat it,” Ronan dismissed dropping the extra bowl on the coffee table in front of them. 

Ronan sat next to Adam and his pulse practically started to pump blood erratically. He’d never been so close to him before in all the months of pining. Ronan shoveled a forkful of Kraft into his mouth and tried not to obviously stare at Adam. But he snuck glances. 

Up this close, he could see the profile of his face. It was fine boned with high cheeks and thin. He had a deep tan and a straight nose which complimented his face. His eyes were wide set and a wonderful deep blue that bordered on gray. And freckles covered his face. He was beautiful.

Adam was wearing the jean jacket that Ronan always saw him in, with a Mickey Mouse t-shirt underneath it. Ronan nodded his head towards the shirt. 

“You like the Mouse?” he asked. 

Adam turned towards Ronan, his blues boring into Ronan’s. “Hmm?” he hummed. Ronan nodded his head again, and Adam looked down. 

“Oh. I guess so. I just like the shirt.” 

“Cool.” 

And just like that the first conversation Ronan ever had with Adam was awkward and stilted. Ronan wanted to run into his room and die. Noah even in his high state, seemed to sense the tension and did what he did best: break it. He leaned forward with interest, gaging Adam. 

“So Adam, you go to Harvard I guess since you share a class with Gansey?” Noah asked. 

Adam shifted on the couch and nodded his head. “Yeah, I do. Do you go there too?” 

Noah let out a laugh and slapped his knee. Ronan saw Adam’s eyebrows pinch together in confusion. “Nah. Not smart enough to go there. I go to Tufts, Ronan here doesn’t go to any college.” 

Adam turned his head to the side. “Well, Tufts is a good college too.” 

He leaned in close to Adam, to which Adam leaned away and closer to Ronan. He could smell Adam; he smelled like smoke and gasoline, something that shouldn’t smell good, but did to Ronan for some reason. 

“Yeah, but it doesn’t have the prestige that comes with Harvard. Who the fuck knows what Tufts is anyway, that isn’t from New England?” Noah scoffed. He leaned over to the ashtray on the table and took out his joint which was half gone and took another hit. After he blew a long stream of smoke into the air he offered the joint to Adam. 

“Want a hit?” he asked. 

“No thanks.” Adam glanced at his neon blue cheap watch on his wrist and pursed his lips. 

“Not that I don’t enjoy the company, but do you know when Gansey is going to be back?” he inquired. 

Both of them shook their heads. “With Gansey he could be back in five minutes or three hours. He must’ve forgotten about today. The dude has so many things crammed into his head it’s a miracle he keeps it on straight,” Noah stated. 

“Oh.” 

“He’s probably out fucking around with his manic pixie girlfriend,” Ronan commented before eating another scoop of macaroni. 

Adam didn’t say anything. The three of them sat in silence on the couch with AC/DC blaring in the background. A few minutes later, the front door opened and all three of them turned their heads towards the sound. 

A rumpled Gansey was standing in the doorway. He threw his bag on the ground and shut the door. 

“Oh my God, I can’t believe I forgot about the meet-up. Can you two tell me when Adam gets here please?” He said out of breath. 

When he finally turned around, his face morphed one into shock. Adam gave a small smile and a wave at Gansey. 

“Hi, Gansey,” he greeted. 

Gansey strode forward to the couch. “Oh Adam, I am so sorry for keeping you waiting like this. I got distracted with my girlfriend, and time slipped from me.” 

“It’s okay.” 

Gansey looked around the living room and sniffed the air. Then he turned to Ronan and Noah and gave what Ronan called the Dad Look. He put his hands on his hips of his salmon Bermuda shorts. 

“How could you two be smoking joints like this when we have a guest in our home? Now the places smells horrible,” he chastised, before turning to Adam, “Adam, I apologize for my bone-head roommates.” 

“It’s not a problem. Should we get started?” Adam asked already hoisting his bag onto his lap and opening it up. 

“Yes, of course. Ronan, Noah take a hike and get high somewhere else.” 

Both Noah and Ronan stood up rolling their eyes. Noah ran into his room, no doubt to grab more weed to smoke. When he came out they walked to the door together. 

“It’s better to get high outdoors anyway,” Noah said as they walked out of their apartment leaving Gansey and Adam to do school work. 

 

* * *

Ronan was not happy to be stuck out in the suburbs of Boston. It was entirely his own fault, by deciding that doing a drag race was a smart idea. And then something happened inside his BMW and he got stranded on a road.

He had slammed his hands on the steering wheel and let out a stream of curses in anger before walking out and down the road to find the nearest payphone to call a fucking tow truck to haul him and his car to the mechanics to get fixed. 

It had ended up being almost a mile at least before he found a gas station. He shoved his hand into his pocket and found fifty cents to pay the toll before pulling out the Yellow Pages to look for the closest mechanic shop. Once he found it he dialed the number and waited for an answer. 

“Boyd’s Body Shop,” a voice came over. 

“I need a tow truck to come out to my car,” Ronan demanded. 

“And where are you located?” 

“I have no fucking idea. About three miles down from the Shell station on I-90, exit 4. I think.” 

It was silent over the phone for a moment. He heard some ruffling and muffled talking on the other end. 

“We’ll have someone over to you in fifteen.” And then the phone hung up. Ronan slammed the phone back into the receiver and stormed back to his car as fast as he could manage. 

The sun had set a while back, causing the temperature to drop. Ronan cursed some more for wearing a black muscle t-shirt. His arms were fucking freezing. So he crossed his arms and started to rub them to keep himself a little warm. 

By the time he made it back to his BMW which was still pulled over on the side of the curb, he saw headlights coming up the highway. Ronan stood to the side and leaned against the front door of his car waiting to see if it was the tow truck the shop had sent. He hoped that his vague directions made sense, or else he’d be stuck sleeping in his car until someone came along and helped him. And that probably wouldn’t be until morning. 

The car pulled over in front of the BMW. Ronan couldn’t see much since it was dark out, but he noticed it was, in fact, the tow truck. He let out a sigh of relief. He pushed up from his position against the car and walked up to the guy who jumped out of the truck. He had a flashlight in his hand which was bright. 

“You called for the tow truck?” a very familiar voice came. 

Ronan closed his eyes from the bright light for a moment before opening them back up. And in front of him was Adam Parrish. 

Ever since that first encounter a few weeks ago, Adam had been cropping up in Ronan’s life much more often. It was both the greatest and worst thing to happen to Ronan. For one thing, he never could’ve dreamed that Adam would somehow come into his world, and hang out with his friends willingly. He seemed to be on a different level of living then any of them were. On the other side, he felt a sting of jealousy roll through him. He felt that Gansey hung out more with Adam more than Ronan. 

Jealousy had always been one of Ronan’s many flaws. It wouldn’t quell even for the guy he crushed on it seems. 

In the little light given by the flashlight, he saw Adam’s face morph into surprise. He flashed a smile at Ronan. He’d been more open with his smiles since that first encounter when he seemed to make himself small and distant. 

“Oh, hey Ronan. You the one who called Boyd’s?” he asked in greeting. 

“Yeah,” Ronan said gruffly. 

Adam nodded his head. “Cool. Well, I’d take a look at what happened to the car, but it’s dark out here. It’d be better to take her in and then I can look there. It’ll only take a few minutes.” 

Then he turned around and got to work hooking the tow cable to Ronan’s car and bringing it up and forward. It pained Ronan to see his beloved car like this. A few minutes later Adam came back. 

“Hop in, Lynch.” 

Adam went over to the driver’s side while Ronan stalked to the passenger’s and practically threw himself in. The truck was a company one, and very old. The leather seats were cracked and made noise every time you moved a little bit. 

Adam turned the ignition on and popped a u-turn that was probably illegal before driving back the way they came. 

“Didn’t know you were a mechanic,” Ronan said finally to break the awkward silence. He hoped the small talk would go better this time around. 

Adam didn’t take his eyes off the road but nodded his head. “Gotta pay for education somehow.” 

His southern accent came out a little bit. Ronan didn’t know why he tried to hide it so much. He thought it was hot. 

“Thought you were on scholarship?” he asked. 

He knew a little about Adam. From what Gansey has told him after their meetups every week. Some things Adam dropped himself casually in conversation. But mostly, he kept himself private. Ronan understood on a deep level, as he does the same thing. 

“Partial scholarship,” he clarified. 

“And you pay for it on your own? What about your parents?” 

He watched Adam purse his lips and say nothing. Suddenly he reached forward and turned the nozzle on the radio up to raise the volume. 

“I love this song,” he said, dropping the subject. 

Obviously, family life was a sensitive subject. One that Ronan would not prod. Instead, the two of them listened as Chicago harmonized  _ You’re The Inspiration _ . Adam was singing under his breath, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. The car ride was more bearable.

It took twenty minutes to get back to Boyd’s. Ronan all but jumped out of the tow truck. Adam took his time getting out and getting the BMW ready. 

The shop was empty. A bunch of other cars was there, other projects for other mechanics on duty. Only one other guy was there with Adam, and the two didn’t even acknowledge each other. Ronan watched as Adam walked over to his car and popped the hood up. 

In the fluorescent lighting, Ronan could see he was wearing a pair of coveralls that were tied around his waist. He wore an off-white t-shirt that clung to his arms, showing Ronan that he had been fucking hiding his muscles from him the entire time. That stupid jean jacket he always wore deprived Ronan of  _ this _ ?! It wasn’t fair. 

A boombox was playing a song about kissing, which made Ronan flush with the thoughts that came into his mind about wanting to kiss Adam. Life really wasn’t fair at all. 

“Lynch? What are you glaring at?” Adam’s voice demanded, breaking Ronan out of his thoughts. 

He issued one to Adam for real who had his fair eyebrows raised underneath his long hairline. “Nothing.” 

The two of them had a glare showdown for a few long moments. Adam not being impressed by Ronan’s machismo, and Ronan putting his hackles up in defense. Finally, Adam just rolled his eyes. 

“Did you even hear what I said?” he asked roughly. 

“Yeah.” 

Adam tossed a dirty rag over his shoulder and crossed his arms over his chest. Ronan knew he wasn’t showing off his amazing biceps, but it made Ronan squirm. He hated Adam Parrish at that moment for making him feel this way. 

“What did I say then?” he challenged. 

The two of them always did this with each other. One would challenge the other, and the other would rise up to it. No matter the topic of conversation. 

“Something about the muffler being blown.” 

Adam rolled his eyes. “No, but whatever. Your car is fixed up again. I did it while you were zoned out looking ready to kill someone. Let me just get you the bill to pay and then you can get out of here.” 

The two of them walked to the back office, where Adam was shuffling through drawers grabbing papers and pens. He leaned his elbow against the desk as he filled out the proper paperwork for the car, and filled out the bill. He handed it over to Ronan to look at. 

“How you payin’? He asked. 

Ronan reached into his back pocket of his ripped jeans and took out his wallet. He reached in and grabbed a hundred and slapped it on the table. Adam glared at him for the unnecessary gesture, but took it and put in the cash register before taking out the change needed for an eighty-five dollar fix. 

He handed over the money and Ronan put it in the tip jar. Adam looked at it distastefully like it offended his entire existence. 

“For rescuing my ass off the highway at ten at night,” Ronan offered. “See you around, Parrish.” 

* * *

 

“The fuck you mean, you ain’t going to the Halloween party?” Blue exclaimed her hands on her hips. “It’s at your fucking house.”

Ronan looked up from the Mario Brothers video game he was playing on the TV. Blue was blocking his shot from winning the level. And for the moment of distraction, he heard the familiar music of you losing the game and glared at her. 

“It means what I fucking said, Maggot. I’m not dressing up and going to some stupid ass Halloween party. Now move, I want to beat this level.” 

She was wearing a leopard crop top and a neon blue mini-skirt, which looked like a regular skirt because of her short stature. Ripped leggings were on underneath with leg warmers over her ankles. Her hands were covered in pink lace fingerless gloves, and giant hoop earrings dangling from her permed black hair, covered in an assortment of clips. Her brown eyes, covered with blue eyeshadow were glaring at Ronan. 

“I’m not moving until you agree to come to the party, Lynch.” 

Ronan scoffed. “You can’t coerce me to do anything. Now you’re wasting my time and yours. Go find Dick.” 

“What would you do if I said Adam was coming? And I knew what he was dressing up as?” she teased. 

Ronan nearly bit his cheek. He felt his nostrils flare. But he wouldn’t give in to her. The two stared each other down. 

“I don’t care,” he declared. 

Blue threw her hands up in the air. “You’re full of shit, Ronan Lynch.” Then she turned around and unplugged the Atari from the tv. 

“What the hell!” Ronan yelled. Blue didn’t say anything but plopped herself next to Ronan on the couch. She poked a laced finger onto his chest. 

“I know you give a shit. You act so fucking tough for everyone, but I see right through you. You like Adam.” 

Ronan whipped his head. “Blue shut the fuck up,” he hissed. “You don’t just announce that to the fucking world.” 

“Relax, it’s just us,” she reassured. Ronan did not feel reassured. 

He was in all terms, still in the closet. He didn’t want it announced to the entire world because the entire world would fucking care and ruin his life more than it was already. He had enough baggage with him as it was. He also didn’t want Adam to find out. Ronan was resigned to crushing on him hopelessly for the rest of his life. 

Blue placed a hand on his arm. Her hand was very tiny and very dark compared to his pale skin. He looked at her. She looked sincere. 

“Trust me, I know it’s not easy out there. And I would never tell anyone that you didn’t feel comfortable with. But come to the party. I’m sure Adam will be glad to have someone to hang out with,” Blue said softly. 

“I hate you,” he said as his way of conceding. Blue flashed a winning smile at him. 

“No, you don’t.”

 

* * *

 

Ronan still doesn’t know how Blue corralled him into wearing a fucking suit. He barely wore it when he went to mass with his brothers every Sunday. But here he was, in a full monkey suit, with a black fedora and ray bans. It was the fastest thing Ronan could put together after “deciding” to attend the Halloween party three days ago.

Someone knocked on his door and let themselves in before Ronan could tell them to fuck off. It was Blue. She was in a much more subdued outfit than what she normally wore. She eyed him up and down. 

“Looking good Elwood Blues,” she commented with a smile. 

“Who the fuck are you supposed to be?” he asked, loosening his black tie more. 

“Sloane from Ferris Bueller.” 

“And what, you got Dick to be Ferris Bueller with you?” Ronan asked with a scoff. She crossed her arms over the white fringed leather jacket. 

“I did actually.” 

“I’ll give that one to you, Maggot. Can’t wait to see him.” 

“Well, people are starting to show up. Stop holding you and your raven inside and get out here.” 

Chainsaw, the raven he rescued as a baby _kerahed_ in protest. Most of the time they seemed to be on the same wavelength. Blue rolled her eyes and walked out. 

“I’m not leaving her in here like this! She likes to meet new people!” Ronan yelled out just to fuck with her. 

“I don’t give a shit! It’s your apartment!” Blue screamed back. 

He looked towards the raven. “Let’s go bird.” Chainsaw flapped and flew to perch on his shoulder. 

Blue forgot to mention that more than just a few people showed up. And neglected to say that a lot of people would be in the spacious apartment. He swore if someone ended up getting laid in his room and it wasn’t him, he’d be furious.

Drinks were flowing around and lined up on the island in the kitchen. Noah seemed to have taken the role of the bartender for the night. He was dressed like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. Just a dress shirt and underwear with socks and ray bans on his face. And he seemed to be enjoying doing various tricks with the bottles of liquor and beer to impress the ladies. Noah caught Ronan and beamed. 

“Blues Brother! What can I getcha?” he asked. 

Noah was most definitely intoxicated, and quite possibly high as well. “Pour a Jameson for me.” 

“Comin’ right up!” He twisted around and grabbed the neck of a bottle of Jameson and poured it artfully into a plastic cup and handed it over to Ronan. Ronan took it and took a sip. 

“Thanks, man.” 

“No problemo! Adam just got here. Go find him!” he said. He raised his sunglasses up and winked before turning to another girl dressed as a Robert Palmer girl. “What can I get ya?” 

Music was thumping from Ronan’s large boombox. He saw Henry Cheng, another one of Gansey’s colleagues from Harvard was playing the role of music master, dressed as Prince. There were way too many people here for Ronan’s liking. 

He combed the sea of drunk people before he spotted a familiar head of shaggy hair. Ronan walked up to Adam and tapped his shoulder. Adam startled a little before turning around. When he saw it was Ronan he gave a smile and sigh of relief. 

“Thank God it was you, Lynch.” 

Adam was dressed as Marty McFly. And he looked fucking hot. Ronan thought Michael J. Fox was hot in those movies, and Adam looked just like him in person. He was sweating in this stupid suit. 

“Nice costume, Parrish. Very original,” he jeered.

Adam looked up and down at Ronan and smirked. “Like yours is any more original Blues Brother.” 

Was this considered flirting? Probably not, but Ronan was freaking out internally anyway. 

“Wanna a drink? Noah’s making them for everyone it seems.” 

Adam shook his head. “I’ll stick to the water I have,” he said raising a plastic water bottle in his hand. Who drinks water at a party? Adam Parrish apparently. 

“Cool. We can sit down and make fun of people’s costumes together if you want,” Ronan offered suddenly. 

_ You fucking moron!  _ He shouted at himself in his head. 

“Okay,” Adam said smiling. 

Ronan led the way to the couch and the two of them collapsed together. Ronan glanced at Adam again. 

“Aren’t you hot in all those layers?” he asked. 

Adam shrugged his shoulders and took a sip of water. “Not really. How are you surviving in that suit of yours?” 

“Spite.” 

Adam let out a loud laugh. It was a belly laugh, and one Ronan never heard from him before. Adam usually laughed like he was punched in the gut: it was soft and fleeting. This was not that laugh. Ronan would do anything to make Adam laugh like that again. 

The two of them looked at Gansey and Blue dancing together. Gansey looked ridiculous as Ferris Bueller, but that was just because Ronan couldn’t imagine Gansey being anything like the famous extroverted, genius slacker. 

“Gansey can’t dance well can he?” Adam asked observing the scene before them. 

Ronan laughed. “Hell no. The dude has two left feet, unless it’s ballroom dancing. But David Bowie is his fucking dude, so he’ll dance like an idiot. And to also impress Blue.” 

“How long have they been together?” 

“Since high school. You should’ve seen the aneurysm his parents had when he brought Blue Sargent home.”

Adam turned to him, his face pinched. “That bad?” 

Ronan took a sip of his drink. “Yeah, that bad. His parents are basically in Reagan’s pocket, and their only son brings home a girl from rural Virginia from a family of psychics and an activist for every liberal cause you can think of.” 

“Holy shit.” 

“Holy shit is right.” 

Another dance song came on and Adam’s face brightened. “Oh I love this song!” 

Ronan wasn’t into the top 40. He liked obscure music that no one had ever heard of. But it did not make for good party music. Adam scooched up on the couch and faced Ronan. 

“Let’s dance,” he said. 

Ronan almost choked on the sip he was taken. “Excuse me?” 

Adam was looking at him, in a deep way. He was smiling showing off his perfect and white teeth. It morphed his entire face. 

“C’mon, let’s dance. I love this song.” 

“Are you for real?” 

His eyebrows furrowed together. “Yeah. This is a great song to dance to.” 

Adam stood up and grabbed Ronan’s wrist and lightly tugged on him. Ronan did not dance either. 

“C’mon Ronan. Before the song ends.” 

“Oh my God,” he muttered before downing the rest of his Jameson and standing up with Adam leading the way. 

Ronan did not enjoy  _ The Safety Dance _ . But dancing with Adam to it made it just a little bit more bearable. And he discovered that Adam was also not a great dancer. But that didn’t stop him from doing all the cool moves. Every few seconds he’d start laughing at himself, which made Ronan laugh. And soon he was also joining Adam in the terrible dance moves. It was the most fun Ronan had in a really long time. 

By the time they got way from the crowd of dancers, both were sweating a lot. They walked into the kitchen, and Ronan grabbed them waters. He tossed one to Adam who caught it with ease and smoothly opened the cap and downed it. Noah was nowhere to be seen, which meant he ghosted his own party, or was being laid by someone in his room. 

“That was a lot of fun,” Adam stated after he finished his water bottle. 

Ronan leaned against the counter and shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah I guess so.” 

Adam smiled and walked up and leaned against next to him. He bumped his shoulder good-naturedly. “You try to come off so tough and hard, but I know you did too. You were smiling and laughing out there with me.” 

“So what?” 

“Just admit you had fun. You don’t need to act like a tough guy in front of me,” he poked. 

Ronan looked at Adam. His eyes were so blue, and they were sparkling with mirth. His thin lips were pressed in a smile. Ronan dramatically scoffed and rolled his eyes. 

“You got me Parrish. I had fun out there, alright? Don’t make me repeat myself. I have a reputation to uphold.” 

Adam laughed, and it was back to his normal one. He patted Ronan on the shoulder. “Whatever, Lynch. It’s late, I’m going to head in for the night. See you. Tell Gansey and Blue and Noah thanks for the party.” 

Then Adam left Ronan alone in the kitchen to replay those moments on the dancefloor over and over again. 

 

* * *

 

In all the months Ronan has known Adam Parrish, he had no idea he lived in the little apartment above St. Agnes Church, where the Lynch brothers frequented every Sunday. He found out when Gansey dropped that nugget of information one day when he was waxing poetic about Adam. Ronan wished he could wax poetic about all the reasons why he liked Adam in a romantic way. Gansey had no idea how lucky he was.

Ronan walked up the creaky stairway that led to Adam’s one room apartment and knocked on the door. He knew Adam was home because his bike was out front. A minute went by before the door was swung open. 

Adam was in a pair of boxer shorts and the Coca-Cola tshirt and barefoot. He looked surprised to see Ronan. 

“Ronan? What are you doing here?” he asked. His hair was all messed up, like someone was running fingers through it. The tshirt was inside out. Ronan raised an eyebrow. ‘

“Is this a bad time?” he wondered skeptically. 

Adam adjusted his position like he was blocking Ronan from seeing what was inside. He quickly glanced back and to Ronan again. “Uh, what’s up?” he asked. 

“Adam,” a distinctly feminine voice came from inside, making Adam’s cheeks color red, “who’s at the door?” 

Adam cringed. Ronan felt incredibly stupid and awkward. He picked at the leather bracelets on his wrist. “A bad time. I’ll see you Parrish.” 

Then Ronan bolted down the steps. He heard Adam muttered a  “shit” before closing the door again.

Ronan slammed the door closed when he got into the BMW. He doesn’t know why his body is reacting like this. Why was he freaking out over Adam liking girls? Deep in his head Ronan always knew that he did. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise, and yet it hurt for some reason. That night on Halloween seemed so different. Ronan was sure they were flirting. Adam asked him to fucking dance! Who does that unless they’re interested in you? God his head was a mess. 

He took the mixtape out of his pocket. He was mad that Blue and Noah had convinced him to make it and give it to Adam. They made it seem so sure that he would like it. Ronan felt like a complete fucking moron. 

He threw the cassette in the back seat of the car and drove like the devil was on his tail. When he got back to Monmouth, he found his roommates, Blue and Henry Cheng of all fucking people, playing a game of jello shot twister. He stared at all of them. 

“Ronan!” Noah cheered as he was already out and master of the spinner. “How’d it go?” 

He glared at all of them and stalked to his room, slamming the door shut behind him and threw himself on his bed. Chainsaw squaked and flew up to him. Ronan started to pet her feathers to relax his pounding heart. 

Knocking is heard from his door. “Go the fuck away,” he shouts to whoever it is. They don’t listen. It’s Blue and Noah, and they look sheepish. 

“Ronan?” Blue asks gently. They come in anyway and sit on the bed. Chainsaw hops to Blue’s hand to be pet. 

“Traitor,” he mutters to the corvid. 

“What happened?” Noah inquired. 

“I fucking walked up to his apartment and caught him in in the middle of fucking a girl,” he curtly explained. 

Noah and Blue exchanged looks of cringing. “Oh man, that...that stinks,” Blue stated. 

Ronan lifted his head to glare at her. “No shit, Sherlock.” 

Noah touched his blonde hair. “Did you give him the mixtape at least?” 

Ronan sat up fully now, almost knocking Blue off the bed. “Yeah, I gave it to him while he was about to get laid by a woman,” he said sarcastically, “no, you fucking idiot. I threw it in the back of my car somewhere.” 

Noah put his hands up. “Jeez no need to be so aggressive.” 

“I’ll throw you out the window again,” Ronan threatened. 

Noah’s gray eyes widened and he pouted. “If you do that again I’ll sue you for real this time!” 

“No you won’t,” Ronan scoffed. 

Noah continued to pout and crossed his arms. “You’re right. But don’t do that! I can’t break my arm again! It was so hard to do my hair with one arm last time.” 

“So, you just ran away? Didn’t make a huge scene or anything?” Blue asked. 

“It was fucking awkward, Sargent. Why would I make a scene? By yelling at him for liking women? Who the fuck do you think I am?” 

“Wanna light up? I have extra in my room, and it seems you need to mellow a little bit,” Noah offered. “We can listen to my break up mixtape I made when I broke up with Sarah.”  

“Fine. Sargent?” 

She flapped her hand. “I’ll leave the two amigos out there to nerd out together. Let’s go!” 

 

* * *

 

Adam stood up when he saw Ronan walk into the café they both frequented. He gave a little wave which Ronan curtly nodded to.

The Incident, which Ronan dubbed it as happened over a week ago. Adam called Monmouth to ask Ronan to talk about what happened. Ronan did not want to talk about what happened. But he also couldn’t deny Adam Parrish, which was a problem he had. 

“Hey, thanks for meeting me,” he greeted and sat down. 

He already had a large cup of whatever on the table. Ronan wasn’t in the mood for anything and sat down across from him. 

Neither of them said anything. The only thing filling the silence was  _ Sister Christian _ playing on the radio in the café. Adam was subtly nodding his head to the beat of the chorus of the song. Ronan didn’t understand how Adam liked this music. 

He took a sip of his drink. “I just want to talk about the other day,” he finally said looking up at Ronan. 

Ronan leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms. “What’s there to talk about, Parrish?” 

He watched Adam swallow and inhale deeply through his nose. He closed his eyes like he was trying to figure out what to say next and be brave enough to say it. 

“I know what it looks like to you, but it really isn’t what you think,” is what he comes up with. 

Ronan narrows his eyes as Adam’s open back up again. “What the fuck does that even mean?” 

Adam looked up like he was looking for celestial guidance. But Ronan knew Adam didn’t believe in God. “I know you like me, Ronan.” 

It was a bombshell. Ronan leaned forward. “Say it a little fucking louder why don’t you, asshole!” he hissed. 

He let out a groan and pulled his hair at the roots. Adam did not look composed, which is what he always looked like. It shocked Ronan just a little bit. 

“God damnit, it wasn’t supposed to go this way,” he said, probably more for himself. He let out another sigh. 

“Look, I know what it feels like to be terrified to think about this stuff.” 

“How would you know? You’re straight,” Ronan accused. 

Adam scoffed and took another sip of his drink. He was looking out the window at the snow covered ground. “No I’m not.” 

Now Ronan was confused. Adam glanced over and must’ve seen it on his face. “I’m not straight. I know that you came at a really bad time. And yeah, a girl was over, and yeah we were about to fuck. But I’m not straight.” 

“Are you in the closet then?” Ronan asked in a hushed tone. 

He’d been so scared of his sexuality that he’s never actually verbalized it out loud, not even to himself. And he harbored thoughts of having sex with women just in case he was confused. Those were the dark thoughts. And he’s not sure if he’s more ashamed for liking men, or even doubting it by thinking about women. 

Ronan didn’t even want to imagine how his family would react. Being raised in the conservative Irish Catholic household he was a part of. The silent sermon of it being inherently wrong. 

Adam shook his head. “Not in the way you think. I like boys  _ and _ girls.” He paused, looking out the window again. “I’m bisexual.” 

“Oh,” Ronan breathed out. 

“But I’ve been terrified about accepting the other part of me my entire life. I lived in a rural, conservative part of Virginia. Being anything but straight was wrong and condemnable. That was what was pounded into my head, verbally...and physically.” He practically whispered the last part. “I figured if I only focused on the part of me that liked girls, the part of me that was normal, then I’d be okay. But it’s like carrying a weight on my chest all the time.” 

Ronan felt the air leave his lungs. He felt angry that Adam had to go through that. Ronan knew what the implication was. And it was wrong. Adam did not deserve to suffer like that. 

“You didn’t deserve that. You shouldn’t have to hide like that.”

Adam looked sad, but he gave a small smile. “Calling the kettle black.” 

“I was raised in Virginia too. In a very Irish Roman Catholic household. It was never like that for me, but the implication was always there. It never was verbally said, but I could sense it anyway.” 

Adam let out one of his breathy laughs. “I’m envious of those strong enough to be out. I just don’t have the strength to actually do it. It’s like every time I think about the idea of being bisexual, I get a knot in my stomach.” 

Ronan nodded in understanding. His pulse always rises when he thinks about it, he always feels his body heating up. And then he pushes the thoughts away because he can't stand it. 

“People say they’ll be accepting, until it comes down to it, I feel like. It’s one thing to support a show like  _ Soap _ , and root for Billy Crystal’s character, and then actually confronting it in real life. It’s terrifying, and I hate that it terrifies me like this.” 

Ronan didn’t know what to say. He agrees with everything Adam had said. He sighed. 

“Well, Blue and Noah know about me. And they are genuine in their support, if that’s any consolation,” Ronan said. 

“What about Gansey? He’s your best friend.” 

Ronan swallowed. “I never actually told him. I don’t even know if he knows or not. The guy can be stupidly oblivious at times, and then extremely observant others. I told you how his family is. The rich, white, Republicans; the picturesque ‘American Family’.” He said distastefully.

There was a long pause. “I’m afraid of how he’ll react,” he admitted. 

“Ronan, I really like you. And not just as a friend way. I really, really like you. I just wish it didn’t have to be so hard. I wish I didn’t have to fear that if I start a relationship with you, my spot in Harvard Law will be revoked for a straight, white dude.” 

Ronan shook his head. “It isn’t fucking fair.” 

“It really isn’t. Maybe in the future it won’t be this hard,” he sighed. 

“Wouldn’t that be nice?” Ronan muttered. He kind of wished he had a drink with him. “And I really like you too Adam.” 

He rummaged in his pocket and felt the cassette tape. He’d been carrying it around with him like some love-struck heartbroken idiot all week. He was glad he did. He took it out and handed it to Adam. 

“What is this?” he asked. 

“A mixtape I made. I was going to give it to you last week, but you know, shit happened.” 

Adam laughed a little and read the sticker. “Take a Chance on Me? Like the ABBA song?” Adam asked amused. 

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. I suffered through your horrible taste in music to make this for you.” 

“Truly a romantic, Ronan,” Adam teased. 

“Shut it, Parrish.” 

“Can I take a listen in your car?” he asked. 

“Duh, I have to see if the time and effort was worth it.” 

They both stood up and walked out of the café, closer then ever before. 

 

* * *

 

Adam did, in fact, love the mixtape. They were together, but only when they were alone. Ronan had taken to staying over at Adam’s little one bedroom apartment at night so they could have time together. It was nice, and Ronan felt happy. 

Most of the time it was Ronan just hanging out while Adam studied for his classes in the time between his part-time jobs to pay for school. He always played the mixtape on his little portable radio for the two of them to listen to together. And when Adam wasn’t studying and sleeping, they would kiss. 

Kissing Adam was what Ronan thought heaven was like. Even if he didn’t get in when he died, at least he knew what it was like on earth. 

The two of them were lying in Adam’s twin mattress together. Ronan had his arms around Adam’s waist and reveled in the heat warming him on the cold winter day.  _ Just Like Heaven _ playing softly in the background. Not one of Ronan’s favorites on the mixtape. 

“I think we should say something to Gansey,” Adam whispered. 

It had been over a month since the two of them bore their souls and fears to one another in the café. 

“We?” Ronan wondered, kissing Adam’s shoulder. It was littered with freckles, and he loved every one. 

“You don’t have to do it alone. I’ll do it with you. I just think Gansey deserves to know.” He shifted so he was facing Ronan. His dirty blonde hair falling over his eyes. Adam leaned up and pecked him on the lips. It was soft, and gentle and everything Ronan dreamed of. 

“That’s a lot of pressure,” he stated. 

“Trust me, I know. But I don’t think he’s going to react the way you think. From what I’ve seen he’s only been supportive of you. He’s seen the worst of you. I don’t think you being gay is going to change the fact that he loves you. No matter who his family is.” 

Ronan bowed his head to Adam’s bare chest. Adam lifted his head to stroke the soft buzz of Ronan’s head gently. “God,” he breathed out, “okay.” 

“Good. Let’s shift the mood now,” Adam said with a smug grin on his face. Ronan was more than willing to oblige. 

 

* * *

 

It was a random Tuesday the week before finals. Adam had come over after his last class to Monmouth. He greeted Ronan with a private smile and a brief touch of hands before continuing in.

Gansey was home, talking on the cord phone to one of his colleagues he met while doing his world travels as a youth, Professor Malory or something like that. He seemed to be in a very heated discussion about pigeons. 

Adam gave Ronan a look. 

“Don’t ask,” was all Ronan offered. The two sat on the couch and waited for Gansey to finish his argument. 

It took fifteen minutes. Ronan was glad Gansey was loaded because international calls costed a ton of money. He walked over in a bright yellow Lacoste shirt and chino bermuda shorts and penny loafers. The epitome of a white college boy prep if Ronan ever saw one. His hazel eyes were bright when he saw Adam and Ronan together. 

“Adam! What a pleasant surprise!” he greeted. “Sorry you had to hear that.” 

Adam smiled. “It’s alright. Take a seat.” 

Gansey’s eyebrows pinched together but he did so on the coffee table across from them. He put one of his legs over the other forming a four. 

“What is this about?” he asked. 

Adam and Ronan looked at each other. It was time to bite the bullet. “Adam and I are in a relationship together.” 

It was silent. Ronan watched Gansey process the information slowly. He looked between the two of them a few times. “Oh wow. Oh, okay,” he stuttered out. 

Ronan felt the knot in his chest tighten, and his stomach drop to his feet. Was he going to say anything else? Or was it just going to be left off with the awkward acceptance from Gansey? 

He looked between the two of them again, and put a fist up to his cheek. “Wow,” he breathed out. 

“Do know how to say other words, Dick?” Ronan bit. 

Gansey pursed his lips and gave Ronan a look. Ronan didn’t want the look right now. He wanted to know what his best friend, his brother thought. This was going horrible. 

Gansey leaned forward, his face grave. “You don’t have…” he started before fading out. 

Both he and Adam stiffened at the insinuation. Ronan felt his heart pumping faster, his body heating up. 

“Don’t bother finishing that thought,” Adam said in a hard tone. 

Ronan felt the tears behind his eyes. God, he thought Gansey would be different. But he wouldn’t even mutter what he’d been thinking. But Ronan knew what he meant, and it fucking hurt. 

“That’s the first fucking thing you ask us about? If we have AIDS? Jesus fucking Christ, Gansey get your Republican head out of your ass. God, this was a mistake,” Ronan seethed. 

Adam stood up. “We’re going to go now,” he hastily said. He grabbed Ronan’s hand and they practically ran out of Monmouth. 

 

* * *

 

They both ended up laying in the grass at Cambridge Common. It was a sunny day, with white clouds rolling through the sky. The two of them hadn’t said anything since they ran out of Monmouth after the disastrous coming out. 

Adam’s face hasn’t unpinched the entire time. He let out a sigh and turned to Ronan. 

“I really thought that’d go differently,” he muttered. “I’m sorry.” 

Ronan kept looking up at the sky. “Not your fault Gansey is a fucking moron,” he said back. 

“But it was my idea in the first place,” he argued. 

“And it was in the right place,” Ronan reassured. “It had felt okay to say that out loud before it got shot to hell.” 

Adam sighed and rolled onto his stomach. He put his head in his arms looking up at Ronan. 

“God, this is just a shitty day. It shouldn’t be sunny.” 

Ronan followed suit, mirroring Adam’s position. It gave them some privacy to look at each other they way they wanted to. “Well, I’m still going to date you, no matter what he thinks. I deserve to be at least happy with you. I love you.” 

He felt his heart flutter with the admission. He loved Adam Parrish. Adam smiled, but it was half covered by his arm. He risked reaching his hand out to Ronan’s and squeezing. 

“I love you too. We deserve this.” 

Across the quad, someone started to play music. Both Adam and Ronan looked up to see where it was coming from. A couple having a picnic together. The beginning notes of Chicago’s  _ You’re The Inspiration. _

“I love this song,” Adam said. 

“I know,” Ronan responded with a smile. 

 

* * *

 

Ronan didn’t talk to Gansey for a month and a half. That’s how long it had been since the Horribly, Quite Possibly Friendship Ending Incident. Noah must’ve known what had gone down because he seemed to be on edge the entire time. 

The tension was at an all time high. Ronan didn’t even spend that much time at Monmouth anymore. But he was there today. Adam had a double shift at Boyd’s tonight, leaving Ronan alone. 

He sat on the couch nursing a PBR watching the _NBC Nightly News_ with Tom Brokaw. It was fucking depressing. But nothing better was on at the moment, so here he was. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Noah come over and sit down. 

“The dynamic is really weird here now,” he said. 

Ronan grunted in response. He heard Noah let out a deep sigh. 

“If it makes you feel better, Blue ripped Gansey a new one and almost broke up with him on the spot,” he offered. 

Ronan took another sip of the beer. “It fucking doesn’t.” 

“You know he didn’t mean it that way right?” he asked. 

Ronan finished off the can and crushed it in his hands before throwing it on the table. He turned to face Noah head on. 

“So what if he didn’t mean it. He still said it, and it still fucking hurts like hell. I let out my deepest secret to my best friend, and he fucking asks me and Adam if we have AIDS? The almighty ‘homosexual virus’ that is to be feared of all heterosexual people! That isn’t what you say to your best friend and his boyfriend. Do you know how hard that was to do for the two of us?” 

Noah looked down and shook his head. “No.” 

“We both agonized over it for our entire lives. And we both thought it was okay to trust Gansey; that he wouldn’t say anything stupid like that because who cares what your sexual preferences are! But he went and said something completely inconsiderate. I almost fucking ended the friendship right there and punched him in the face.”

“He really is sorry, you know.” 

“Tell him to fucking man up and tell it to my face. And then he should go over to Adam and apologize to him too.” 

Noah nodded his head and walked away, leaving Ronan alone in the living room again. 

 

* * *

 

“Ronan,” Gansey’s voice said. 

This was not what he wanted to do first thing in the morning. Gansey was already in their kitchen nursing a cup of mint tea in his hands. He looked the most rumpled Ronan had ever seen him. But Ronan didn’t feel bad. He walked over and grabbed a box of Boo Berry cereal from the cabinet and made himself a bowl. He sat down across from Gansey but didn’t say a word. 

“Ronan, can we please talk? Gansey pleaded.  

“There’s nothing to fucking talk about,” Ronan said with a mouth full of cereal. 

Gansey sighed. “I would argue the contrary actually.” 

“What do you want?” Ronan asked with a stone voice. 

Gansey started to reach over but stopped. “Afraid of catching the gay disease by touching my hand?” Ronan sneered. 

Gansey’s face crumbled and he looked shamed. Ronan thought he deserved it. He kept eating his cereal. 

“I just want to apologize. What I said, or implied was a horrible mistake and misunderstanding on my part.” 

“Doesn’t change the fact you fucking said it to my face. Right after we came out to you, Dick.” 

Gansey shook his head, running a hand through his brown hair. “I know. And I’ve been agonizing over that conversation since you left. I didn’t mean it like that at all, you have to know that.” 

“How can I possibly know that though? You nearly fucking trampled my trust with those words. You cut me deep, something I didn’t think you were capable of doing,” he muttered. 

“God, this has been a nightmare.” 

“How do you think I feel then?” Ronan rebutted. 

“Truthfully, I cannot even fathom how you feel Ronan. And I am feeling the compunction every time I think about it, which is constantly. 

You’re my best friend Ronan. You have been since we were fifteen. We’ve seen each other at our lowest and still bounced back. I don’t know why I said that to you and Adam. But it doesn’t change my opinion of you at all. I will always love you as my brother, and support you. I’ll beg you for forgiveness forever if I must, even if I don’t deserve it.” 

Ronan wanted to forgive Gansey. He didn’t want to lose his best friend, but the words still stung. “I love Adam. As in I would want to spend the rest of my life with him if he’ll let me.”  

Gansey smiled. “You two deserve the happiness you bring each other.” 

Ronan put his spoon down and looked Gansey in the eyes. “I’ll forgive you, but those words will take time to heal.” 

Gansey nodded his head. “I understand.” 

“You better tell Adam the same things you told me too. Now.” 

Gansey stood up. “Of course.” 

 

* * *

 

Ronan was taking Adam to his first drive-in. They were playing  _ Return of the Jedi _ , a film both were fond of. It was summer, and Adam was going into law school. Gansey was still learning not be a complete idiot, Blue was still telling him all the different ways his parents and Reagan can go fuck themselves, and Noah was being the over supportive friend they pretended to hate but actually loved.

The two of them were holding hands over the gearshift in the BMW, the windows were rolled down and Ronan for once felt happy and free. The interstate stretched beyond and behind them in the summer heat. Adam looked through the glovebox and picked up the mixtape Ronan had made him all those months ago when they first got together. 

He inserted it into the player. The first notes of Chicago ringing through. 

“I love this song,” Adam commented with a grin. 

“Me too,” Ronan agreed. 

 

_ You know our love was meant to be /The kind of love to last forever/  _

_ And I want you here with me / From tonight until the end of time   _

**Author's Note:**

> That's it. I hope I wrote this well enough. Some scenes were very difficult for me to write because they come from my own feelings. You can probably allude to which I'm talking about. I am also not bisexual, so please tell me if you think Adam's characterization is alright if you do identify. And if not tell me what needs to be fixed and I'd be more than willing to fix it. 
> 
> Of course, I didn't go into the entire issues of the crises in the 1980s because I would've been here all night. But like I said, I think it was important to at least touch down because ignoring it may be worse than confronting it, and the fact that it happened and had a very severe impact on the LGBTQ community. 
> 
> But other than those scenes, it was very fun to write. And I did actually make a playlist on my Spotify with the songs on the mixtape Ronan made for Adam. And this fic did come to me because of the song "You're The Inspiration" by Chicago. Which is one of my favorite songs ever! Perhaps I'll share it if any want to know! 
> 
> You can always hit me up on my tumblr: magicianparrish. Comments and kudos are always welcomed. And I don't usually put this in, but I'm a little afraid of the reception this will get: please give constructive criticism for me, but please don't be openly hostile. I tried my best on these issues which I know are very touchy and emotional for some. But if there is anything wrong, tell me and I will try to fix it to the best of my ability. 
> 
> Thank you everyone!


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